If anyone is like me, you are hard on yourself. The expectations you place on yourself are unrealistic and when things don’t all fall together, sh** hits the fan. For me what that actually means is crying, yelling, weight gain, stress eating, etc. When I turned 30, I expected for a magic change in my life to happen. I expected that I would have it all together. I think I felt that once I turned 30, things would just automatically be easy. But the hard, cold truth is, life just gets harder with each chapter. I look at my parents, my close girlfriends, the images on social media, and wonder, “How the heck do they do it?” Funny though if you ask all of these people that I look up to and admire so much for seemingly having their lives together, they would all respond that in fact, they do not.
Something that I didn’t share easily up until around a year ago is my struggle with anxiety. I started to feel anxious in college, but refused to seek help and thought I was just being weak. After having my daughter, the joys of baby blues mixed with some mild postpartum depression, created major anxiety attacks and sent me running to a family Christian therapist. I went to therapy for over a year just trying to get a handle on what was ‘wrong’ with me. And the more I realized about myself in those sessions is that NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE, has it together all the time.
I have this really unique group of girlfriends from work. Though I don’t really get to see them outside of work, I have come to depend on them so much during these times. For whatever reason, I feel like these 5 other women in my life, get it the most when I am feeling like this, outside of my parents. We will text each other pictures of “un-manicured” hands, messy kitchens, no-makeup days of chaos during the summers, the large alcoholic beverages we need after certain days, and much more. And the best thing about them, is that I feel like they reassure me in a way that I know they were placed in my life by God. (Side note*We all bonded over the loss of one of our greatest mentors, so in a way, I feel she is the one who placed us together, our guardian angel. Another crazy thing about my mentor is whenever I think about her or miss her, I will see someone in the store the next day with her hair color or the cashier shares the same name. My girlfriend Shea calls this a God wink- but I digress) But the other thing that these women bring to my life is brutal honesty when I get down on myself, something that is really hard to come by with friendships in this world. They are a shared tough love; they love me, but also know when I need to pull it together and ‘suck it up.’
The past few days, we went on a great vacation, but my husband had to work most of it. As we were seeing this wonderful place, I felt the anxiety creeping in, like a thief in the night. I felt agitated and smothered all at the same time while coming home on the plane and just wanted to escape by myself for days, but in adulthood, you can’t do that. In motherhood, there is no such thing. And no matter how old I get, I think those two hard facts will be the hardest lessons to learn. So I have started to learn what I need on those days to help curb the anxiety and to in fact, ‘suck it up’, as one of my best friends tells me.
#1)- Exercise- Nothing helps me calm down more than exercise- so even if it’s just for 10 minutes, go get those endorphins working in your brain. You won’t regret it.
#2)- Nap- I have never been one to shy away from taking a nap in my life, but once I became a mother, I always felt guilty about taking a nap when my daughter did. What I have learned is that I am sleep deprived during these anxious times. I used to spend this time to clean, but I have quickly learned to chill and do it when my daughter is awake.
#3)- Clean something up in your house- A lot of my anxiety is caused by feeling like my life is not in ‘order’. There are several articles out there suggesting that a clean house really does help you feel better, and I have to say this is one of my favorite life hacks. If I can see progress of a clean kitchen or clean bathroom sink, I feel 100% better and ready to tackle the next obstacle.
#4) Reach out to friends/family- Everyone has ‘their person’ in life that they can call during times of frustration or hardship. The first thing I needed to do today was talk to my mother. I just needed to vent and explain how I was feeling smothered or irritated, and I needed to talk to her without interruptions. I think that is a huge key- I needed to be away from my family and talking in silence- I felt instant relief after our chat. I also texted my work group chat and quickly found myself laughing at myself because they knew exactly how to help. (A girlfriend literally just texted a picture of her cup of whisky she is currently consuming..lol). My other girlfriend saying, “We will get through it together.” Another friend saying, “Make yourself a drink or snack and get Mary Poppins up and going,”- I just adore these relationships and need them more than they know.
#5) Be okay with not having it together all the time- This one is the advice I actually give out to my students and it’s one that took me along time to understand. There are days that are going to be harder than others. There are days where you need to stay in jammies and just veg out. There are other days that I will wake up and I will totally kick butt that day at all things. There are days where I have to be okay with telling my daughter, “No, I don’t want to play right now,” and be okay with the notion that she will not die if I just need some time to read next to her playing or whatever I need to spend my time doing.
Anyways, I ramble. But I felt like it was important to share that even what you may see on the outside is not always the case. We are a society that compares so much of our lives to others because we have access to so much of each other’s lives through social media and smart phones. Know that, no one has it together all the time. Know that this too shall pass. And lastly, to let yourself have hard days.
Wishing you all peace, love and patience-
Off to go fight this darn journey of adulting.
xo
Amanda
PS- This photo explains this post so much. On the outside, I look together and happy. I laugh at this photo because this is my life right now. My daughter is very attached to me and requires ‘mommy’ to do most things. The bags are full of entertainment for her during the flight, snacks for my family, with very little inside that actually pertains to me. I was sweating profusely in this photo and we were super stressed after a 3 hour delay. Things are not always as they appear, but I have learned….stress passes and life goes on.
Tales of a Tillotson 